Not V. Graham Norton (31 July 2002)

So the day finally arrived - the day I had rare and valuable tickets for 'V. Graham Norton' (for those outside the UK, this is a very popular, rather camp chat show hosted by well known gay personality Graham Norton). I spent ages getting ready and, I hope you will agree, the results were pretty good. A new black dress, a new hairstyle, some strappy high heels and my best sparkly jewellery. Alison Graham came over to join me and we headed off into London to the appropriately named, 'London Studios' down on the South Bank! Here's just a couple more taken before we left. I couldn't resist putting these pictures on here because, well, they're not at all bad, even if I say so myself! We arrived at the studios a little late (my fault I hasten to admit - a mix up over who had the tickets and who forgot to take them with her…) to find ourselves towards the back of a queue of people waiting to get in. The nice studio manager kept popping out and letting a few more people in and the queue got shorter and shorter until there were just a couple of people left in front of us. But… that was it. So near yet so far… The studio was full, there was no more room (even though we were such svelte beauties softly wilting under the sultry late evening London heat). The nice manager was very apologetic. Apparently there had been a lot of last minute names on the guest list for the show (Channel 4 execs, Big Brother film crew, those kind of people) and in order to fit them in, normal people like us had to make way. Alison and I were very disappointed, as you might expect, but vowed to have a good night out anyway. As it happens, we were told that if we phone the number of the back of our tickets, and explain what happened, we will get priority tickets for the next season of the show which is due in October. So we will be back and next time there will be no stopping us!

Disappointed but not downhearted we tootled our way back to West London from whence we had came and first off stopped for a drink in the Birdcage, a very nice gay pub on Chiswick High Street (you mean you'd never noticed the rainbow coloured external decor?) Here's Alison and I lounging at the appropriately named 'lounge bar'. Next we teetered over the road to Silks and Spice, a great Malaysian/Thai restaurant (no ladyboy servants though) where the eponymously lovely Sandra Love joined the (now quite) merry throng (that's throng - not thong). To finish the evening of we trannied our way over to W5 (pronounced 'double you five'), a gay pub in Ealing, which has a late licence (the pub that is, not Ealing). This way we could keep drinking ourselves into a state of… well, just into a state… until midnight and shoot some dolly-bird pool¹ too. On somebody's camera, somewhere, there are pictures of me bent over a snooker table which given the shortness of my dress would have certainly revealed more than just my pool skills. I'm sure some of you would enjoy those pictures and if asked nicely enough I might just let you see, but for now you will have to settle for this one instead and just use your imagination!

¹ Dolly bird pool is like regular pool except it is only played by trannies (whether transvestite or transexual) who must pretend to be a bit hopeless in an attempt to get some burly fella to come up behind you and help get the cue (a.k.a. pole, rod or lance, or in some cases queue) properly aligned with the balls. It helps to wear a short skirt or dress and high heels to give that extra helpless look, and to make sure you're in the right kind of pub. Playing dolly bird pool in a 'straight' pub should only be undertaken under extreme circumstances, such as the lack of alternative local facilities, where the tranny concerned has a death wish, or has the ability to outrun the aforementioned burly bloke even in 5-inch heels.

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